Mary Sues Anonymous
by Mird
Summary: A number of choice Mary Sues get together to work out their problems. Oneshot, crack, one of Mird's many Mary Sue parodies.


**This wasn't NEARLY as funny as I wished it to be...Oh well.**

**By the way, the 'Japanese' isn't really Japanese, in case you couldn't tell on your own. It's gibberish that I got from a gibberish generating website. There are no secret codes or hidden meanings as far as I know.**

Mary Sues Anonymous

The contents of the table were framed by the light of a single, flickering lightbulb. Shadows of the constantly attacking moths dotted the scattered objects to create an eerie effect.

In truth, there was only one thing on top of the table. Covered by a lumpy blanket, it wasn't visible to the seven young women that surrounded it.

"Hello, ladies," said the overly cheery voice, coming from the grinning mouth that had met far too much bubble gum and teeth whitener. "My name is Pansy, and I'm here to help you sort out your problems. Now, to start off, let's go around the circle and say our names and what makes us an irredeemable Sue. You first." Pansy nodded at the young woman sitting to her right.

"Hello, everyone. My name is Evelyn Elric. I'm Edward Elric's twin sister. We were separated at birth...And...I..." Her voice broke and she had to cover her eyes with her hands- automail and flesh- to stop the tears from spilling from her bright, amber orbs. "The stupid author! Dammit! I h-hate being a Sue! People always make fun of me!"

"You do realize that this entire fic is for making fun of you," said Mird, who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere and was now crunching loudly on potato chips. "The floor's really cold, Pansy. You might want to do something about that."

"Mird, please leave. If you keep using yourself as a character in your own fanfics, people are going to start thinking that YOU'RE a Mary Sue."

Mird shrugged. "That's all fine and good but I have the right to watch. After all, without me, this fic would end right now, and you wouldn't even reach the climax. Don't worry, though. You won't even notice me. Carry on."

Pansy sighed. "All right. That never happened, okay? Next..."

The girl to the right of Evelyn nodded gratefully. She was wearing a top that slightly resembled Winry's, although it was much more revealing, and a miniskirt that was even shorter than the one designed by Roy Mustang when he was drunk a few nights ago. Her skin was clear and smooth, her orbs changed color (special feature) and her blonde hair was long, soft and luxurious.

"My name is Abigail Genevel. I'm a General in the Amestrian military, also known as the Shadow Alchemist. I can transmute shadows because of a long backstory involving multiple deaths, mystery and lots of angst. Edward Elric is in love with me, but I don't love him at all for twelve whole chapters. My author gets flames because of me, and it makes me feel oh so guilty."

A couple other Sues nodded sympathetically, whispering soft words of reassurance and advice. Abigail bowed her head in thanks, as well as permission for the next Sue to speak.

"Jirono letose reramas uhi tiset satihie tap gop ferile yesece."

"Translation: My name is Misa (1) and I am from Japan," said a bored-looking man. His expression was as blank and bland as his voice.

"Nat feta amu nopot rutetan enal mebeya ta era uce: Gesi imeh ra dodin tel; geror simut yeno pielege etus henis inu gabalil; cir asie ce ras ayusocet tohe rot ato, gagiy ce lopobar sic imil ihirol tateh alecene hafebob naripel? Nosarir lapa pef cir gabin gofe casovi lasalun yerimu."

"Translation: I love Edward Elric, but he can't understand me because I speak Japanese. My parents died in Iqbal and I'm looking for the Stone to bring them back to life. I've always wondered- Can Edward Elric help me? So I went to go find him and I fell in love."

"Vetayen oletute tovolo! Fotema voyeb togaco itir nosofa re renu susiriet lat ne. Caso recagi rinasal hexecik. Tud tetel weh."

"Translation: But alas! He does not return my undying love and- This is boring. I'm not paid. I'm leaving." With that, Misa's translator folded up his chair (probably to sell on ebay) and promptly left the room. There was a short pause, which was quickly broken by none other than Pansy.

"Well, now that that's over...Next?"

The female- running out of alternatives for 'young woman'- that sat to the right of the chair that used to be occupied by the translator nodded in acknowledgment of her turn. "My name is Kristy Mustang. I'm helping Ed on his journey to find the stone because I was visiting my big brother Roy's office one day and I fell in love with him. Ed, I mean. Not Roy. My author thinks that incest is icky, except she likes Elricest. I'm too frightened of her to point it out."

One of the other Sues nodded sadly in agreement. Mird crunched loudly on her potato chips, as if reminding everyone that she was still there.

"Anyways, in chapter twenty three, he nearly dies romantically in my arms...But I save him with a kiss. After that, I began to question my place in all of this and I realized that my only option was to come here."

She nodded slightly to the one on her right, a tall, thin girl with hair held up in a ponytail, lots of makeup, and an ipod playing loud music in her elfish ears. Her head bobbed slightly to match the beat, and she just barely managed to notice that everyone was staring at her. Her eyes widened with realization and she quickly turned off the music and coughed in embarrassment.

"I'm Amy Park. I'm a HUGE fan of Fullmetal Alchemist. On my fifteenth birthday, I wished that I'd be able to enter the book itself. But I never thought that it might come true..."

"Stop quoting the summary," Abigail said sharply. "It's annoying."

"Tisa ko temu," said Misa, the tone of her voice suggesting that she agreed.

"Fine, fine," Amy sighed. "Anyways. My fic is AlxOC..."

Mird groaned. "AlxOC? That's even worse than Ed...Let me guess. There's a dumb 'Al explains his life story to the girl he just met' scene?"

Amy nodded. "Yeah. It was-"

"-In the middle of the night as Ed slept nearby. Al's head is bowed slightly, there's silence that is awkward but comforting...Look, bitch, if I had never read any Mary Sue fics, why would I even be writing this parody?"

Amy mumbled something under her breath and fell silent.

Pansy coughed to get everyone's attention. "Ahem. Ahem. May I have your attention please. Now that we've all shared our stories, I think it's time to end this. Mird, do you have any suggestions for how they can end their Sue-like ways?"

All eyes turned to Mird, who shrank back under the pressure. "Don't look at me! I'm no good with OCs! I'm only good at parodies about them! Although I did rather like that translator guy...I think I'll go find him again when I'm done writing this fic. Hmm...Actually, I DO have an idea! Make way, make way..."

She stuffed her potato chip bag into Evelyn's open purse and pushed her way through the circle to the center table. She smiled greedily as she pulled the blanket of the lump with a whoosh and pulled out a gun.

All the Sues screamed.

"AHHH!" said Evelyn.

"HELP!" said Abigail.

"Fi sulab nopade eter etenim, ero hoto ni osa hesimig kutodah race, repelar ciedita rat sow ina robo berer!" said Misa.

"HOLY SHIT!" said Kristy.

"OMG!" said Amy.

Mird shot them all dead, but she let Pansy live, because Pansy did nothing wrong.

Then she tracked down the translator and they had some ginger cookies together and became best of friends while all the readers gave Mird the finger for the shitty ending that accompanied the shitty fic.

The End.

**(1) I apologize sincerely to Death Note. I couldn't think of any other name that sounded vaguely Japanese.**

**I really need to stop writing all these Mary Sue parodies...But they're oh-so-addicting. *sigh***


End file.
